Never Mind, Lexa
by Jude81
Summary: Clarke decides to use pick-up lines to tell Lexa how she feels. And Lexa is...well, she's Lexa. Part 1 of the Clexa Pick-Up Line series. This is not beta'd. I don't own the characters.


"I don't know, do you really think this will work? I'm not sure Lexa would understand what I'm trying to do."

Octavia put on what she hoped was her most supportive face. "Of course she will, she's smart, and I think she will appreciate you making the first move."

"Really?" Clarke looked doubtfully at her two friends, both of whom were trying to look as supportive and innocent as possible.

"Don't worry, Clarke. It will be great! It's the perfect way to get Lexa's attention." Raven smiled and patted Clarke on the arm, "Now go get her, tiger!"

Clarke smiled and straightened her shirt and took a deep breath, trying to calm the butterflies in her stomach, "Ok, I can do this. No big deal. I can totally tell Lexa how I feel." And with a last reassuring nod from her friends, she headed off in search of Lexa.

"So….do you think this is going to work?" Raven glanced at Octavia who was trying her hardest not to laugh.

"Of course not, this is Lexa we are talking about. This is going to crash and burn, but it's going to be hella funny!" Octavia snorted with mirth imagining how Lexa was going to take the pick-up lines.

"Damn, O. What if Lexa gets mad? I mean this is Lexa we are talking about, Lexa "Don't Fuck With Me" Heda. She could seriously have our heads for this!"

"Nah, you worry too much, Rae. Lexa has the hots for Clarke, so she will at least see that Clarke wants her to. They will eventually figure it out."

Raven sighed quietly, but couldn't help but chuckle. This was going to be funny, although not as funny if Lexa was going to come looking for them for revenge, not to mention Clarke was no pansy in the revenge business either. The more Raven thought about it, the more concerned she became over how Clarke might actually react.

"You know, O, we might want to have a back-up plan, you know maybe just be prepared to leave for a few days. You know, at a moment's notice?"

Octavia glanced at Raven and then glanced back in the direction Clarke had gone to find Lexa. "Um, yeah, that might not be a bad idea. We should pack."

And with that the two troublemakers hastily made their way to their tents to pack a few supplies, just in case this blew up in their faces, which it was bound to do.

Clarke paused outside of Lexa's tent. She took a few deep breaths to calm the pounding of her heart. She could hear the murmur of voices but too focused on her goal to really process the knowledge that Lexa wasn't alone in her tent. She pushed her way into the tent.

"Hi Lexa, I'm Mrs. Right. Someone said you were looking for me." Clarke stood there standing in front of Lexa, noting the surprised look on her face. From the corner of her eye, Clarke could see Indra's narrowed gaze, and she silently cursed herself for not waiting until Indra had left the tent.

Lexa just stared at Clarke in surprise, and while she wasn't surprised that she had barged into her tent, as the blonde was more apt to do so than not, she was more than a little surprised by what Clarke had said.

"Mrs. Right? But you're Clarke," and Lexa pointed at the blonde as if to reassure both herself and Clarke that the blonde was actually who Lexa knew her to be.

"Your name is Clarke, Clarke. Have you forgotten your own name?" Lexa stepped closer, suddenly concerned that perhaps the blonde was ill, as she couldn't understand why Clarke had forgotten her own name.

Clarke sighed, she probably should have seen this coming, "No, Lexa, I haven't forgotten my own name."

"I don't understand then, Clarke who is this Mrs. Right?" Lexa gazed thoughtfully at Clarke, worry knitting her eyebrow.

Clarke sighed, "Never mind, Lexa," and then she turned and left the tent leaving behind a concerned Lexa, and a slightly amused Indra.

Clarke quickly left the tent, more than a little embarrassed by the fact that Lexa hadn't understood her. It was obviously the wrong line to use. She went in search of Raven and Octavia, finding them in Raven's huts with a couple of bags at their feet. They seemed to be arguing about something, but Clarke was too frustrated to care.

"It didn't work," she spit out at the brunettes, not really noticing the sudden guilty looks on their faces.

"Why what happened," asked Raven?

Clarke sighed, "She thought I had forgotten my own name! She must think I'm stupid."

"I'm sure she doesn't," Raven tried to sooth her friend, walking up to her and giving her a hug. She glanced back at Octavia who was trying her best to not laugh.

"Look, Clarke, it obviously wasn't the right line to use, but we have a bunch more. One of these are bound to work. You just have to keep trying," Octavia tried to smother her chuckle with a cough hoping Clarke wouldn't notice as she continued, "Nothing good every came easy, Clarke."

"She's right, Clarke. Why don't you wait a few hours, and then try again?"

Clarke glanced between her two friends, wondering if it was really wise to be trusting them with this.  
"Ok fine, but give me some good ones!"

So the three bent their heads together, whispering quietly about the best pickup lines to use.

Lexa glanced up from sharpening her sword and watched as the determined blonde strode towards her. At least she didn't look sick, and Lexa figured that whatever had ailed the blonde earlier was no longer an issue.

She smiled at the blonde, "Hello, Clarke."

"Hey Lexa, do you have a ninja in your pants, because your ass is kickin!"

Lexa just stared at the blonde blankly, unsure how to proceed with this turn of events. Apparently she was wrong, the blonde hadn't gotten over whatever had ailed her. She set the sword down carefully, making sure it was within her own reach, but not close enough to the blonde, in case she lost whatever sense she had and grabbed for the sword.

"Ninja? What is a ninja? Clarke, are you feeling ill?"

"I'm fine, Lexa," huffed the blonde, "No, a Ninja is like a warrior that wears black baggy pants, kind of like pajamas, and wears a black mask."

"A warrior?! From the Ice Nation?" Lexa stood immediately, alarmed that the Ice Nation might be on their way, although they did not wear black baggy pants.

"What? No, Lexa, the Ice Nation isn't on their way." Clarke tried to calm the agitated brunette down, suddenly realizing that this was a most unfortunate pickup line. She should have known Lexa wouldn't react well to the idea of weird warriors.

"If it isn't the Ice Nation, then who are they, and why do they wear masks? Are they ugly?"

"No, Lexa, they aren't ugly, well maybe they are. I don't know. That isn't the point!"

Lexa raised her hands placatingly towards the blonde, not wanting to antagonize the blonde, but she was very confused about these ninjas.

"Wait, why would they be in my pants? Should they be in my pants, Clarke? I'm not sure I want this ninja thing in my pants." Lexa stared expectantly at Clarke, waiting for a reply that would make sense.

"Never mind, Lexa."

"Hey Lexa?"

"Yes, Clarke?" The brunette glanced at her warily.

"If a fat man puts you in a bag, don't worry, I asked Santa for you for Christmas."

"A fat man?! What do you mean, a fat man?" Lexa stood up abruptly from her throne, "I'm not going into a bag," Lexa snarled as she drew her sword and stomped her way down the dais looking around quickly for any sign of an intruder.

"Where is he, Clarke?" Lexa waved her sword around, glaring at the interior of the tent, "I will fight him! Show yourself, fat man! Now! Indra! Indra!" Lexa bellowed, as she continued looking for the intruder. Indra burst into the room, sword drawn eyeing the surprised blonde and agitated Heda.

"Yes, Heda? What is wrong?"

"Quick, Indra, alert the guard! There is a fat man with a bag somewhere in camp, and he is going to put me in a bag!" Lexa gestured wildly towards the doorway to the tent.

"A fat man? A bag?" Indra stood there confused and worried that her Heda had lost all semblance of control. She eyed the blonde who looked frustrated and bothered.

"It's fine, Indra. There is no fat man, and there is no bag. Everything is fine. Everyone is safe," replied the blonde as she waved her hands about, "You don't need to alert the guard."

Indra wavered looking to Lexa who nodded her head, and Indra quickly made her way out muttering about foolish skai prisas.

Lexa carefully lowered her sword, "I don't understand, Clarke. You said there was a fat man…" her voice trailed off as she looked at the blonde.

Clarke groaned and slapped her palm to her forehead, "Never mind, Lexa." And she turned and walked out of the tent.

"Wait, Clarke, what is a Santa?" Lexa hollered after her, non-plussed by the lack of an intruder, but also worried that a fat man would still try to stuff her into a bag. Perhaps she should still alert the guard. The blonde didn't stop or reply to Lexa, leaving her more confused than ever.

"I'm invisible."

"No you aren't, Clarke. I can see you."

Clarke ignored her reply, "Can you see me?"

"I just told you I can see you," Lexa explained as patiently as she could, "are you feeling all right, Clarke?"

"Why are you always asking me that, Lexa?" the blonde heatedly exclaimed. She tried not to roll her eyes, "Just answer the damn question, Lexa, can you see me?"

"Yes, Clarke, of course I can see you."

"Good, how about tomorrow night?"

Lexa stared at the grinning blonde for a moment, unsure how to reply. She was growing more and more worried about the blonde, and debated whether or not it was time to speak to her healers about the blonde.

"Tomorrow night? But I see you right now. I see you every day, Clarke," Lexa replied as gently as she could.

"Never mind, Lexa."

"Clarke, what are you doing?" While Lexa, was more than happy to stand there and let Clarke casually search her for whatever purpose, she had been growing more and more concerned about the blonde lately, despite the fact that no one else seemed overly concerned about the blonde's strange behavior.

Clarke continued to run her hands along Lexa's shoulders and back, pulling lightly at the clothing, "Searching for a label. I'm checking to see if you were made in heaven."

As much as she didn't want to, Lexa stepped away from the blonde and turned to face her.

"I was not made in Heaven, Clarke. At least I don't think so," Lexa hesitated and cocked her head looking at the blonde, "Where is Heaven, Clarke?"

"Don't worry, I will take you there, Lexa." Clarke winked and smiled expectantly at Lexa, waiting for something, a nod or smile from the brunette letting her know she finally understood.

"Oh, should I get the horses ready then?" Lexa smiled, she would enjoy and outing with Clarke, despite her strange behavior.

"Horses, why would we use horses?" Confusion slipped across the blonde's face. What did horses have to do with Heaven? She knew the Trikru were very spiritual, and Octavia had assured her that Lexa would understand this pickup line.

"Oh would you prefer to walk? Is it a long way? I should inform the guard." Lexa turned to make her way outside of the tent, ready to call for her guard.

Clarke reached out and gently grasped Lexa's shoulder, keeping her from leaving, "No, Lexa, Heaven is up there," Clarke pointed upward with one finger, "It is a perfect place. It's where you go when you die." She smiled assuredly at the brunette.

Lexa felt a fission of anxiety snake its way down her spine, they had come a long way from the mountain, and she had thought all was forgiven, perhaps she had been wrong, "are you going to kill me, Clarke?" She whispered, trying not to sound anxious.

"Kill you?! Why would I kill you?! Oh my God, Never mind, Lexa."

"Hey Lexa?"

Lexa bit back a groan, she wasn't sure what was going to come out of the blonde's mouth this time, but she was sure, she wasn't going to understand it, whatever it was. She had spoken to Octavia and Raven about Clarke's strange behavior, and they had assured her, between snorts and chuckles; and really, Lexa didn't know what was so funny about the fact that Clarke might be dangerously ill; that nothing was wrong, and she shouldn't worry. But she was worried. So she had gone to Abby, figuring that as both Clarke's mother and a healer, she would know what was wrong, and could fix it. However after explaining to Abby Clarke's strange behavior, Abby had simply laughed and then patted Lexa on the arm, telling her everything would be ok.

Frankly, Lexa was concerned that no one was concerned about Clarke except for her. Clarke obviously needed better friends. She huffed at the thought.

She turned her attention back to the blonde, "Yes, Clarke?"

"I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart." Clarke smiled up at Lexa, sure that this time, this particular line would work. She was wrong.

"Thievery isn't funny, Clarke. It is punishable by having your hand cut off."

Ugh the blonde didn't know whether to laugh or cry at this point, "No, Lexa, that isn't want I meant, what I meant was…Wait! What?! You cut off people's hands!? That is a little harsh, Lexa."

"We have to be harsh here, Clarke. Please promise me, you won't steal anything, I don't want to have to cut off your hand." Lexa pleaded gently with the blonde.

"Never mind, Lexa."

Lexa started confusedly as the blonde turned and left her tent. Again. She turned to Indra.

"Why is Clarke trying to steal my heart?"

Indra did her best not to roll her eyes, but she was so done with this little game that Clarke was playing, especially since Lexa didn't know how to play.

"I would prefer not to get involved, Heda."

"Oh." Lexa glared at Indra, but then her gaze softened and she dropped her head mumbling, "She doesn't need to steal anything, I would give her whatever she asked for."

Indra congratulated herself on not rolling her eyes. She was going to have to have a talk with the Skaikru and find out who was behind all of this.

"Hey Lexa?"

"Clarke….."

"If you were a chicken, you would be impeccable."

Dead silence. And then.

"A chicken? Are you calling me a chicken? That isn't very nice, Clarke."

"Never mind, Lexa."

"Hey Lexa?"

Lexa just stared at the blonde, not bothering to reply. It wouldn't make a difference any way.

"Is that a mirror in your pants? 'Cuz I can see myself in them," crowed the blonde triumphantly.

"Um, Lexa?"

"Lexa?"

"Never mind, Lexa."

Clarke searched the camp for Lexa and finally found her at the training ground with some of her generals. She had decided to make one last ditch attempt at wooing Lexa, as none of her previous lines had worked on the brunette. She knew she shouldn't have listened to Raven and Octavia. It had been Abby who had suggested this, saying something about the fact that Lexa seemed quite concerned for Clarke's health, and maybe it was time Clarke was a little clearer about her intentions towards Lexa.

She had been hoping to catch Lexa alone, as she wasn't entirely sure Lexa would react in front of her generals. But as her mother had told her, in all seriousness, faint heart never won fair lady. And she was bound and determined to win the lady. Well, the Heda.

She strode over to Lexa, one hand behind her back, ignoring the way the generals fingered their swords as she drew closer. She also decided to ignore the look of apprehension that was stamped across the brunette's face.

She stopped in front of Lexa and took a deep breath, bringing her arm out from behind her back and thrusting the bunch of wildflowers she had picked for Lexa into her face.

Lexa was startled and took a step back but then realized that the blonde was offering her flowers. They were beautiful, and she recognized some of them that she knew didn't grow in the area, as a matter of fact they grew closer to the coast, and it was obvious the blonde had gone through a great deal of trouble to get them, if the little, red nicks on her hands were anything to go by.

"Lexa?"

"Yes, Clarke?" She smiled as she took the flowers, not caring what her generals would think about the sentimental, but sweet gesture from the blonde.

"Roses are red, violets are blue. These flowers are pretty, but not as pretty as YOU!" And Clarke quickly fled before Lexa could reply.

Lexa found Clarke pacing in her tent later, and she couldn't help but smile at the blonde's nervousness. Frankly, it was adorable, but Lexa wasn't going to tell her that.

"May I come in, Clarke?"

Clarke stumbled mid-pace and whirled around to see Lexa standing in the doorway of her tent. She looked beautiful with her hair in a few simple braids, tumbling down her shoulders. She wasn't wearing any war paint, and only light armor.

"Y-Yes, of course. Come in!" Clarke stuttered and waved Lexa in, backing up slightly as Lexa walked towards, and kept walking towards her, until she bumped into the table.

Clarke felt her chest tighten, and her heart pound in her ears. She could feel the other girl's body heat sweeping around her, they were standing so close, sharing each other's breath.

"Thank you for the flowers, Clarke, they are beautiful."

"O-oh you're welcome," Clarke cursed her stutter. She normally had a much firmer grasp of her own language, but the brunette just did something to her. Made her a little crazy, as was evidenced by the fool she had made of herself the last few days. She tried not to snort at the thought.

Lexa glanced down at the wide blue eyes, and her gaze darkened as she noticed the pounding pulse in the slim pale neck only inches away from her. She wanted to bite it, wanted to smooth her tongue across it and feel it pound in her mouth. She tore her gaze from Clarke's pulse and looked at her again, smiling softly.

"Clarke, is there something you have been trying to tell me?"

"Oh well…it's just that…that…I mean," and Clarke fumbled her words, trying not to notice how Lexa's eyes were darkening, how she looked…hungry.

Clarke cleared her throat and took a deep breath, "It's just that I…well, I like you. Like like you." She stressed the "like" hoping Lexa would understand what she meant. She could feel the red staining her cheeks. When had it gotten so warm in here? It felt like Lexa was sucking all the oxygen out of the room, and she felt slightly dizzy.

"Like like me? Well, I like like you too, Clarke." Lexa tried not to smirk. Well not too much anyway.

"Why didn't you just say so, Clarke?"

"What do you mean, why didn't I say so?" The blonde huffed indignantly. It wasn't her fault Lexa hadn't caught on to what she was trying to say.

"I did say so! I've been saying so for the last week!"

Lexa chuckled and shook her head, "No, Clarke, you've been saying nonsense the last week. It was cute. Well mostly cute, but I was very concerned for your health, Clarke." Lexa reached up and cupped a warm cheek, "I was worried about you, Clarke."

"Ok, I probably should have just said so, but Raven and Octavia convinced me you would understand," Clarke plaintively explained.

"Raven and Octavia?" Lexa arched one eyebrow, understanding finally dawning. She chuckled, "Oh I see. Perhaps next time, you should leave them out of it?"

"You know what, Lexa? Never mind. Now shush and kiss me"

And so Lexa did.

FIN.


End file.
